Journal Entry 1/13/18

Journal Entry 1/13/18, 2:10 p.m.

Five days ago my husband professed to me that he had trusted Jesus Christ to be Lord of his life, and that he had given his life over to the Lord.

The following day I was battling fear in my mind and heart. What if this is not the real thing this time? What if this is another false confession? What if I just placed my heart out there once more to be stomped on? Satan was attacking me fiercely. I was battling doubts and fears, and for good reason, mind you. For, I had been down this road before many times. He had made many false confessions before, coupled with insincere tears. So, how could I be sure this one was real?

The thing of it is, I can’t! I am hopeful. I am supportive. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, but there are no guarantees, which is why I stated in my previous journal entry that I couldn’t be 100% certain, and that I realized that my trust had to be in the Lord, not in man, for man may fail me, but God will never fail me.

So, as I battled these fears, and I was praying them through, the Lord Jesus brought this song to mind:

When I Am Afraid / An Original Work
October 17, 2016 / Based off Psalms 56-57

When I am afraid, Lord, I will trust in You.
Your Word, Lord, I praise. I yield my life to You.
Enemies pursue me, slandering Your Name.
Lord, have mercy. I trust in You. Hear my cry today.

Lord, I love Your Word. It comforts me today,
As I look to you, and bow my head and pray.
You are Christ, my Lord. You saved me from my sin,
That I may walk, Lord before You, purified within.

Steadfast is my heart, O God, I sing of You.
I will praise You, Lord. To You, I will be true.
Oh, how great Your love. Your faithfulness endue.
Be exalted, God of heaven. Glory be to You.

That song kept playing through my mind throughout the day as I kept yielding to the Lord, giving my fears over to him, trusting him with my life, with my marriage and with my husband, and letting the Lord fill me with his peace. And, the peace did come, too, and it has remained steadfast.

The next few days we were both sick with some kind of bug, maybe a type of flu. I was barely functional. I would get up and write and then go back to bed and sleep. My head was in a fog and I just felt really awful all over. So, I prayed that through, as well, and trusted the Lord to help me to write what he wanted me to say, even though I didn’t feel I had much of a functioning brain at all. God is amazing though! Sometimes when I feel the worst he is able to do marvelous things through me, so that he definitely gets all the glory.

I started feeling somewhat better yesterday, and I am still improving today, but I am not fully functional yet, but I am walking by faith and not by sight.

Rick and I have been talking, and so far, so good. There are no obvious signs of a relapse, but there are also not outstanding signs of a genuine conversion at this point yet, at least not to me. I know that my husband has been under the power of Satan the whole time I have known him, and even before that. His lifestyle, throughout his life, is evidence of a life given over to Satan, and to the flesh, and to the rule of sin over his life. So, to me, if he now has given his life to Christ, and has made him Lord of his life, I expected a more dramatic change from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God than what I am seeing presently.

I had a devotion the Lord gave me to write earlier this morning. It was taken from 2 Peter 2. The description of these false teachers in this passage is nearly identical to the man I have known as my husband these past 45 years. There is a passage in Jude, too, that is very similar to this one. The Lord many times over the past 11 years, at least, has shown me my husband in the light of these two passages of scripture. And, from what I am reading of the lives of other women in similar circumstances as me, it describes many of their husbands, as well. And, it is not a pretty picture, especially since we are talking about men, most of whom profess to be Christians, and some of whom are pastors or in full-time Christian ministry.

Between 2011 and 2016 the Lord Jesus gave me 173 songs to write. Many of these songs I knew were messages to my husband. God often spoke to my husband through these songs, and he often realized they were for him, but most often they made him angry, because he knew they were speaking to him. One of those songs, the Lord has put in my mind again this morning. And, this is where many of us are right now, in this battle for truth, only the battle is for the lives of our husbands, that they would tell the truth, for the truth will set them free.

The Battle for Truth / An Original Work
May 18, 2013 / Based off Malachi 1-4

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I love you. Honor me.
Tell the truth. You’ll be free.
Sing My praise all your days.
I will give all you need.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

Turn from sin; cleansed within.
Stand in awe of My Name.
Teach what’s true. Walk in peace.
Follow Christ, in His ways.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

Show to God faithfulness.
Do not be adult’rous.
Do not shed shallow tears.
Do not be insincere.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I have sent messengers,
Who have giv’n my address.
They call for repentance,
And they warn of judgment.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I, the Lord, do not change,
So return – blessings gain:
Healing comes; joyfulness;
Freedom from your distress.

So, this is where we are, taking this one day at a time. I am trusting the Lord, he has given me his peace, he has taken my pain and suffering, and I am resting in him. I can’t be sure that my husband has truly turned that corner, but I can’t be sure he hasn’t. So, I walk by faith and not by sight, one moment at a time, putting my complete faith and trust in the Lord, and not in man, not assuming anything, but just waiting on the Lord to do in both of our lives what needs to be done for us to be who he wants us to be.

13 thoughts on “Journal Entry 1/13/18

  1. You are so right. All you can do is trust the Lord and rest in Him. Ask Him to help you to have faith that this is genuine if it really is or else for you to have faith that it will happen if it hasn’t already. Either way, your life and love for Jesus is a powerful witness to your husband.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Sue,

    I wanted to thank you for sharing this journal with us. It is actually encouraging to me if that makes sense. My husband has told me that he is not at the same level as me when it comes to a relationship with God. In the almost nine years that we have known each other, he has changed so much as have I in the past couple of years. There was a time when he wouldn’t go to church at all, and then we started to go but he would never take part in communion. I respected him because he explained that although he believed in God he didn’t want to take part and be fake. Last year, he took part in the communion. It was an answer to prayer. The only downfall which I hate to even mention is that we have not been back to church since last summer. I cannot put this on him or anyone else as it is my emotional and mental issues that keep me home. With that said, I do believe and agree that we are the witnesses to our husbands and that we cannot control or force them to do something. God does not force himself on his children and does not want us doing so. It is hard not to want to when we know the result if they do not truly and sincerely turn their lives over to God.
    I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, Sue.
    God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. you give great insight into the other side. Often we get the strugglers of the sexually or otherwise addicted explained and we can guess that it hurts the loved ones but you open the door to what it feels like to be the loved one – thank you for this

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dave, I have recently joined a support group online for wives of men who are struggling with sexual addiction. Their stories are horrendous! Many of their Christian husbands are not only looking at porn, but are going to prostitutes, gay sex, extra-marital affairs, sexting, online flirting or romantic relationships, etc. And, they, because of their addiction, lie to their wives about it, and become abusive, too, especially if she knows, and she confronts him with the sin, then the anger and the rage are just horrible. I cry every time I read one of their stories.

      What the Lord called me to do, I believe, and this is what he showed me, is that I am to be a voice for them, because most of them would never make public what they are going through, because some of them are married to pastors and to church staff, and so they end up suffering in silence and feeling as though they are all alone.

      So, God has led me and my husband both to tell our stories publicly, to make people aware of the seriousness of this situation, which, by the way, has reached epidemic proportions, even within the church.

      And, you are right, we hear much from the vantage point of the addicted, but not much is being said about the spouses, and that is why God is having me write what he has given me to write. This is giving them a voice. And, they need to be heard.

      Thanks for listening and for responding.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dave, I just wanted to add one more thing. Like I said, the Lord Jesus has led me and Rick to tell our story publicly to minister to both the addicted/struggling and the wounded ones who have suffered as a result of the sinful practices of the addicted/struggling. So, with that the Lord Jesus led me to write it in book form and to put it on the internet, one chapter at a time. The first five entries give our history (45 years worth) of our struggles, battles, addictions, abuse, wounds, etc. But, after that the chapters are present day and what God is doing in our lives now.

      I trusted the Lord to give me only what he wanted me to share. I did not want to share too much detail, but it would not have done the story justice or served the purpose for which God led me to do this if I made it too sterile, too. So, this is what I have so far. All but the first post in the book will have the name “book” in the title. The first entry, which is the name of the book, is “I Married My Dad.” Rick read all of this before I posted anything and he approved all of it, and that will continue to be my practice regarding anything related to him that has not already been revealed. He feels I was fair and kind.

      Liked by 1 person

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