Journal 1/9/18, 11:01 p.m. –
Wow! So, Rick (my husband) told me this morning that he gave his heart to the Lord, and that he made him Lord of his life. He acknowledged to me that he had never done that before. And, when I shared things with him this morning, he did not have the same old responses he used to have. He seemed genuinely sorrowful for all the things he had done to me, and for all the many ways in which he had hurt me. But, I didn’t know if this was the real thing or not. And, I am still not 100% positive, but there are very good signs that we are moving in the right direction.
The Lord led me to share with Rick this afternoon what I had written in the book I was writing, so far, about our lives, and he seemed fine with that, too, and genuinely moved to tears concerning all the ways in which he had hurt me, and moved, as well, he said, by my kindness to him, too, in how I wrote our story, so far.
After I posted the devotion the Lord gave me to write today, which ended up being finished before bedtime, Rick reached over to me, and he was being very tender and gentle to me. I responded in like manner to his affection by wanting to be held by him. I had not felt that in a very long time.
We hugged for a long while out in the living room, and then we went back to the bedroom, and we hugged for another hour or two in bed. But, while he was holding me, then the flood gates opened wide and I cried like I had not cried in a very, very long time. I told him to keep holding me, and I grabbed his arms tight to hold them around me. And, then I cried hard and loud. There was so much pain deep inside me that I had not been able to cry out and to release, but as he held me in his arms, it all came out. I prayed that God would take all that pain and that he would fill me with his peace.
When the crying ceased, then the Lord said to me, “Forgetting those things which are behind…” I knew at that moment that he had healed me (released me) of all that pain that was trapped inside me and that had no way out before, because more and more pain just kept being added to it every day, and I had no way to cry it all out, though I tried many times.
So, before we got in bed together, the Lord Jesus had this song playing in my mind:
Jesus, Rescue Me
An Original Work / September 18, 2011
Based off of Romans 7:7-8:39
Jesus, rescue me today.
Listen while I bow and pray.
I need Your help to obey You;
Live for You always.
Meet me in my hour of need, Lord,
As I pray to You.
Help me walk in fellowship, Lord,
Living in Your truth.
Jesus, how I long for You to
Change my heart anew.
Father, God, my heart’s desire
Is to live for You this hour
In Your Holy Spirit’s power
Living in me now.
Teach me to walk in Your love, Lord,
Guiding me each day.
Help me to show love and kindness
To the lost, I pray.
Father, teach me to love others
As You love always.
Holy Spirit come in pow’r.
Revive our hearts in this hour.
Change our hearts to be like You, Lord;
Live for You each day.
Help us to forsake our sins, Lord,
As we humbly pray.
Teach us how to live for You, Lord,
Obey You always.
Holy Spirit come in power,
Revive us today.
The Lord put several songs in my mind while we lay there holding each other in bed. One of them was this one:
An Original Work / May 30, 2011
“Fill me with Your Spirit;
help me to love others;
Let me know Your power;
be an overcomer.
Show me how to follow
Jesus Christ, my Savior;
Be His faithful servant
to obey Him always.
“Lead me with Your presence;
help me know the right way;
Teach me love and kindness,
Give me grace and courage
to be Jesus’ witness,
Teaching His salvation
to a world who needs Him.”
Won’t you come and follow
Jesus Christ, your Savior?
He died so you’d be
free of control of your sin;
Free to follow His ways
in complete surrender;
Living sacrifices –
let His grace transform you.
All I know at this moment is that the Lord is giving us both a new start. I told my husband that tomorrow would be our one-day anniversary of our new life together. I truly felt that we were one in the Lord together for the first time ever in our 45 years of marriage. And, then the Lord put a few more songs in my head, and I began to sing them aloud, and then my husband joined me, and we sang them together, and I felt united with him in spirit really for the first time in our married lives. We honestly never had this before.
One of the songs was…
God Will Make a Way / Don Moen
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way
Just a Little Talk with Jesus
I may have doubts and fears, my eyes be filled with tears
But Jesus is a friend who watches day and and night
I go to Him in prayer, He knows my every care
And just a little talk with Jesus makes it right
We used to sing this last one together with two friends of ours when we were all in college.
Then, after the hugs, the tears, the singing, and the prayer together, which had also not happened in reality probably ever before, because we were never before united in love together, then the Lord got me up to pray and to write this all down in my journal, which I believe he is leading me to share with all of you tonight.
The Lord wants to heal broken hearts and he wants to deliver those in bondage from their sins, if they will just yield to him, and make him truly Lord of their lives. God is a miracle working God. I have been waiting for this miracle forever, but I know that my trust still has to be in God, and not in man, and that no matter what tomorrow holds for both of us, I must still move forward with where God is leading me, no matter what comes my way.